Oh, forced insomnia.

Eric seems to only enjoy talking to me between the hours of 1 and 5:30 am. And if I wasn’t so into this guy I would totally blow him off for it. He tells me at 10 that he would call in a little bit, and I get a text at 3 in the morning asking if I’m still up, or too tired to talk. I don’t know what I am doing…

After we got off the phone at 5:11am my mind just wouldn’t shut off. I finally drifted off around 7, and got up 3 hours later. Kylie saw me and that was it, there was no escape. She did the “Pick me up” thing, and after that if I tried to put her down it was tears. So I think that all together I got maybe 4 1/2 hours of sleep, and I did dream.

It was weird. Not lucid at all, but I do remember most of it. I was in what I assumed was Pat’s dojo in Chico. I have never been there because I take his class out at Butte. But I was definately in a dojo, and I believe Ishmael was there. I started a free sparr with some chick and was doing pretty good with the sais while she had a bo staff. But in the middle of the fight everything kinda faded away and I realized I was waking up because of a stupid text. I really need to start turning my phone to alarm only. I seriously need some sleep. I don’t know how my body functions because I have been getting about 3 or 4 hours a night.

Confusion

I’m caught in a sticky silvery web. Drops of silver glisten off of it and attract hundreds more just like me. It sticks to my fur as I struggle to get out, until finally I am coated in a fine layer of the wet substance. It sparkles in the dappled light, and gives me the look of a star. Finally I give up on trying to get out of the web with a sigh of defeat. As I lay there pondering what might be the owner of the web, the only thing that comes to mind is a huge arachnid. I cringe at the thought of being slowly eaten alive by the one animal that fear, and respect, for its ability to kill things huindreds of times it size with such a small amount of its deadly poison. My shadow totem. The Spider.

She came, the hunger glinting in her eyes. I cosed my eyes, and tried to steady my breathing so that I could die as a Cougar. I would not show my fear openly. I would die with my head held high, my claws unsheathed, and my fangs bared. She came to me, but stopped right in front of me. I looked up at her and wasn’t afraid of what might happen. I came to terms with imminent peril, and sighed in defeat. Then I woke.

Now before you give me your takes on this, let me just say that this was not me overcoming my fears. This was nothing like that. It seemed more of me accepting my place in the world. Those above me, holding me down, keeping me from everything I want…they are the spider. Or rather, she was portraying them. The web was everything that is going on right now that I have been caught up in (Addison, Sarah and Aaron, Rach and Curtis and Miah, Josh and the girls, Richie’s mental health problems, etc.). The web was pretty much just life. The silver drops were all the things that are put on me, like babysitting, scholarships, graduation, my car, trying to get a job, school, figuring out how I will afford Virginia…

The confusion is not figuring out what things mean. It’s figuring out why she said them.

Not for a while

I haven’t written of my dreams for a while. Of the ones that I have been trying to ignore. The dream that I had in which you just watched me suffer…I have repeated that dream 4 times. The last time though, you still said that “No one will pick up the pieces,” but there was more. It did not end at that as it had in all the others. You continued to say…”Don’t you feel it? Don’t you see what you are doing? It’s there. It’s so close…Don’t you see it?” You looked worried. Fearful. You looked around nervously as if you were expecting something bad to happen, then you spoke again. “It will never be the same. When you stand up again everything will be different, but you will still be you. Only stronger. I will not help so that you may grow.” And with that you turned and walked away, and never once looked back. Then I woke.

On Wednesday, May 14, I dreamt a new dream. I was just seeing images as if through a kalidoscope. But one thing that came through clearly was me lying on the ground, almost convulsing from the pain. My shape flickered from human to Cougar as if it were a fading glamour. Keireh stood over me, a deep growl grumbling in her throat. There was *someone* standing there. My hands were reaching out, and so were theirs, but everytime that we came close to touching Keireh would snarl and nash her teeth at the hand. She would not let them touch me. I had this dream again on Thursday night. I remember a desperation, like I needed to get to that person. I wasn’t scared of Keireh, but rather scared of what she might do to the person. I loved the person, whoever it was (They were out of focus), and wanted Keireh to love them to. But she blamed them for the pain that I was feeling, and would not let them get to me. I woke both times with a feeling of dread deep in my heart, and a sickness in my stomach.

Beautiful colors

I dreamt of birds last night. I was standing in some sort of rain forest. Everything was green and wet. I was in a full length, light blue dress dress. It looked something like this…..

Only it was this color….

 

At first I was just walking around. I started to hear whooshing noises. Then there were just hundreds of birds flying around. I was captivated by the different colors and shapes and sizes. An American Kestrel landed on my shoulder, and I was suprised, and pleased, to find that his touch was gentle. I turned my head to look at him. He was gorgeous. He stared at me, and I at him for what seemed like hours. The other birds just kept flitting about. He showed me so many things, then slowly dipped his head and broke the connection. Of the many things that was expressed, one message was given stronger than the rest; he would be sticking around for a long time.

Is there anybody going to listen to my story? All about a girl…

My dreams have been troubled. I don’t know what to think of them. Normally I would just leave this kind of thing be, but reality is too painful. I have been trying to slip more and more into other realms to get away from the pain.

Lessons learned

I went into the Umbra. I don’t feel like going into very much detail, because I already have today. Maybe I will edit later and add in. Maybe not.

I was in my familiar woods, but not as Cougar. Everything was silent. There was nothing going on around me, not even any wind. I walked until the paths changed. It was as if the forest had grown and changed in between my visits. I thought that I kept seeing *something* throught this visit, but I couldn’t hear anything so I inored it because I am too proud or somthing. I dunno…

I came to the pool of water that I had seen the “spotted something” at before. I walked through the water to the other side, and continued on through the forests, not following any path. I came to a clearing that was small, but not tiny. In the middle was hole in the ground that looked about 6ft across, give or take. I walked towards it, and the noticed that the ground got wetter as I got closer to the hole until I was trudging through watery mud. I looked into the hole, but all I saw was black. I kept looking into what was presumably nothing, and a door started to materialize out of the black. i started to climb down, and felt something behind me, but couldn’t hear anything so I didn’t even bother to look around. I climbed down, and pulled the door open.

Eveything seemed to come alive. I looked behind me and saw that the spotted something was a lynx.

I asked it what its purpose was. It replied with “to watch.” I walked back to the pool, where there were tons of animals drinking. Even a zebra. They didn’t see me though. Lynx told me that it had been watching for a while, but I never see. I never hear the whisperings. I continued back to where I first started, and Lynx followed me. Keireh met me at the beginning, and took me inside her, changing me back into my cougar form. She told me to take this lesson into my heart because it was one that she could not teach me. I thanked the Lynx, who nodded, and then slinked off into the forest. Then I returned from the Umbra, and went to sleep.

Sleep…

The Umbra has been pulling me in, even without my consent. I will sleep dreamlessly, and then I can feel the pull. But my heart is not there, so I slip out of it easily.

The first. I didn’t get the sense that I was walking. Or moving at all. It was more of an effortless glide, just moving over everything on the ground. I was there, but not focusing on it. I was not there for very long, but as I passed through the woods I saw something spotted in a tree over head. And then I woke up.

The second. I was in a full length gown. I don’t remember much about it, other than it was dark green with long sleeves. There was a pool of water that a stream ran into. The spotted something sat on the opposite side as me, drinking the water from the pool. I took a step forward and thought that I heard his familiar “my darling Katja”…*jolted awake*

The third. I do not recall seeing anything, other than eyes. They were yellow, but not startling so. I got the impression that they were feline, but the pupils were small circles and not the usual slits that go hand in hand with cats. I had my suspicions, and I believe that they have been confirmed with this picture.

Tonight I plan on returning to the Umbra, but of my own will. I wish to find out more about this “spotted something.”

Everything fades to black

It was there. I saw it and I ran, my fingers outstretched to it…but then it was nothing. Just air clasped tight in my palm. I can’t take it. I walked with a smile on my face, and was nice and polite. I wondered if they could see the black inside. But they couldn’t. They saw what I showed them, and that was a fake smile. Which they took all too eagerly, not wanting to question the way that things appear.

I was hit today in Karate. Twice. Once on the outside of my right foot. Once on the outside of my right ankle. I didn’t jump high enough when he swung the bow staff at my knees. I was suprised at how it didn’t hurt until I was in the middle of my English class. The pain flared to life, and has not ceased yet.

My ankle is swollen, and two purple bruises show the truth of what is felt below the surface. What would I look like to others if they could see what I hold inside? This black…is slowly swallowing me bit by bit. But the jewel has not been forgotten, nor has it left me. I see him here and there…he’s watching. Waiting. The green glint that I see with my peripheral…I wish that it was comforting, but it isn’t. Its nothing. Just a whispered maybe.

No matter what I try

It seems that things always come to me in waves. I don’t get one then the other, which makes it that much harder to deal with it all. I don’t understand why someone that close would not take that into consideration. Despite the fact that I cant be mad, for some stupid reason, I will not continue things as they were. My pack is dead.

THE GREEN DRAGON

I worte it all in my moleskine, like I usually do when I cant write it any where else. And I don’t trust my mind to remember it all.

April 22, 2008.

Mom sent me the text about working…It pretty much ruined my day. Try as I might, I just couldn’t mask the depression, so great the volume of it. My pain openly marred my face with tear streaks and pain soaked eyes. I tried to immerse myself in The Sweet Far Thing so that I could ignore my hurt, but  nothing could shake the ache that gripped my heart. I didn’t want a ride from Curtis. I just wanted to walk in my thoughts, so I went the front way so as to not be seen when he pulled out. As I walked I let her guide my feet. I simply closed my eyes and let my feet fall where they would. I opened them when some pain needed release, and let the tendrils of pain slip out from under my eyelids like phantoms in the night. They were oold pains, not anything that would ease the degree of agony inside me. I was watching the van that was driving on the opposite side of the street. The driver watched me also. His sympathetic smile, and the look of eagerness to help that shone in his eyes made me angry. I saw the flash as he let me see that he was a green dragon, and I thought loudly, hoping to communicate over to him with the depth and extremity with which I was feeling these words, “I see you brother, and I despise your sympathy. Now is not the hour to show me that you think me weak.” He did not blame me, nor express any distaste towards my refusal. I saw him gently shrug, and I knew that he would be back at a more convienent time. Where he would offer more than just sympathy. I saw those green wings take flight, and thought no more of the jewel that had been offered. So many things are crashing in on me right now. I fear the need to call on every spirit that can lend support to help me heal.

Dream that night.

DARKNESS It blocked out everything!!  I was running, feeling my way around some sort of tunnel or hallway. The “walls”, for I do not know if that is truely what they were, felt rough and cold. I was terrified. AGONY It coursed through my body. I didn’t know if the extreme pain was the reason for my lack of sight, or if everything really was dark. FEAR pushed me forward causing my legs to move almost of their own accord. It was a short vision, and then I was released into dreamless sleep for the remainder of the night.

I don’t do anything?

And how the heck would you know the first thing about what I do? Well I will tell you! I am in college full time, and I’m taking my senior year on homestudies. You didn’t even graduate. Don’t tell me that I am fully capable so I should be able to manage it. I can manage it just fine, but it takes a lot of hard work and time. I clean your house everday, feed your animals, make your dinner. You complain that I am too skinny. I freakin work out for 2 hours a day, then I go to practice and work my butt off for 2 more hours. I am in SHAPE. I baby sit your son in law because he is a spoiled, ADD idiot, who called my karate class a “bare knucle brawl” class, [Wtf?] and cant be trusted alone with his own son because he is abusive. I’m not pregnant, or even sexually active, which is a huge accomplishment for this family. I have never done drugs. I don’t smoke or drink. I am doing things how you said I should, and yet, you walk in the house and yell at me for not putting a bag in the bathroom garbage can, and tell me that I don’t do anything. Thats a bunch of crap. I am so sick of this. I cant tell you about my totems. I never will. Because you wouldn’t accept me. Even though you accepted Curis after what he did. You just don’t have tolerance for me, or the things that I love. You never supported drumline, except when Mandi [your precious baby girl, AKA empress of the universe] was in it. You won’t let me get my license. You threaten to sell my horse because I don’t ride him that much right now because life if hectic and he has a bum knee. Well when is the last time you rode Sam, you precious little lap dog? But you’re not thinking about selling him, now are you? Grr…Rant ends now….