Saphra's Weblog

I’m telling you

saphra — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 06:50:15 +0000

It is all a big mystery. And yet, I’m not mystified. There are so many questions swimming through me at any given time, and yet I am not overwhelmed. One breath at a time, then one thought at a time.

In my next life I would like to be an American luxury pet. Good for nothing but being cute and doing whatever I want, as long as it doesn’t involve peeing on the carpet or chewing on shoes.

Today I dreamed that I was awake. And then I awoke only to dream that I was asleep. My energies are are swirled together and sometime soon the crash will come. Hopefully not tomorrow, for I will be playing with very large cats and the such. I love working with exotic animals; it’s thrilling, yet also calming. Odd mixture.

Paint a pony for war. Ride him fearlessly. Feel him as if you were connected in spirit. Honor his memory when he is gone.

And so many stepping stones lay in my wake

saphra — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 05:21:46 +0000

It has been so long, I know. I have let my journey take me where it will, and unfortunately for this blog, it has not been here. I have re-read all of my old postings and I see now how much has actually changed. I will not babble about all of it, but rather offer this testimony instead: I am proud of who I have become, if somewhat bewildered as to who that is. I am confident in my doings. I am compassionate to those around me. I am his lover. I am strong and stable; a professional flyer. I am unbound, and interwoven with all around me. I love myself, and I am thankful for my trials. I am Saphra, Sister of Cougar. I have not forgotten. The past may have molded me, yet it no longer defines me. Catch me if you can, for I am not long in one place.

Have a little respect when you are in my house

saphra — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 12:59:45 +0000

Friends. Only when convenient. It’s not fair. It’s not plausible. It’s not right. Why is it 5:50am and why have I only achieved a few hours of sleep? Not by my choosing, and surely, no bit of insomnia. Well, maybe the insomnia of others. Wes is over tonight. I fell asleep on the living room floor while he was talking to me. Lana was in the bath. I woke a few hours later to giggling and talking emanating from her room. After about an hour of this, and I not being able to find a peaceful place to sleep, I was reduced to the linen closet. I might have been successful if I hadn’t of started at the sound of his laughter. I tried to roll over and hit my head on the wall. After wasting time sweeping the kitchen and bathroom, finishing some laundry, and trying to read more of “Darkwitch Rising” (all the while playing music maybe a little too loudly and definately inconsiderate of the neighbors who share a wall with my room, but still able to hear that laugh) I walked in and asked, “will you people ever stop talking?” I was regarded with innocently concerned faces, and the intolerable question of “Are you alright?” Now they care. Even though they knew that I was up. That I was trying to sleep. Why should I have to bring it up? Why couldn’t they just have been considerate in the first place? Ah…so now I sit in the corner of the living room, the only light emanating from the screen of my laptop. Wes muttered an apology as he stumbled into the room. I mumbled a dismisal. I know that his eyes are on me, guaging the degree of my irritation, but I can not see anything past the light of my laptop. Ah, I guess I shall stop torturing the poor lad and let him sleep without the annoying clack of my keys and the bright light illuminating my obviously unfavorable (for tonight, anyhow) face in this corner.

Unwanted

saphra — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 04:57:15 +0000

I am unwanted, but desired in the highest degree. You say you want me, and not just for my body. How am I ever supposed to believe that when you can just drop me and walk away without a second glance? The last time I was sure that it didn’t hurt becuase I was just so angry at you, and at myself. The anger faded and there it was. The pain simply waited for me to start feeling again, then it slowly crept into my heart. This time was nothing like the last. I miss you, but I don’t want you back. I hope to run into you so that you can see how good I am doing. So that I can see if you’re doing just as good. To be able to casually tell you what’s been going on without actually getting in touch. Just to sate some curiosity. Now that we are worlds closer, our hearts couldn’t be farther apart. I keep wondering what things would be like right now if I had been worth the wait. If you hadn’t jumped the gun and thrown me away. I guess time will only tell half of these questions, and the other half may very well remain mysteries. It’s alright now though. I am ok. I survived you.

Today

saphra — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:29:48 +0000

I tried to fly. I jumped into the air and my wings took me to great heights. I thought that I knew what I was doing. That I was a natural. I had the time of my life. I was free. I took my wings for granted. A gust of wind came from the wrong direction and my wings got tangled and torn. I fell to the ground where I lay in a broken heap. It took a couple days to stand back up and inspect the damage. The pain seemed to settle to a bearable throb. But I knew that my wings were broken and that I needed to set the bones straight if I ever hoped to fly again. Today will be the day. I will set things straight. I know that I will fly again. I thought that I knew what I was doing before, and I have learned from that mistake. I may very well fall the next time around, but it will not be because of arrogance. Today I will splint my wings, and bite through the pain. Today is the day. Today.

contemplation, deep frustration

saphra — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 00:47:43 +0000

I…yes, I said that things might end up in a situation like this. *sigh* But that doesn’t mean that I was ready for it. I was given no warning. I was at his house the night before and things were fine. I was on the phone with him when I pulled into work and he said that he would meet me there when I got off work. From my perspective nothing was wrong. How was I to know that he would stand me up? How was I to know he wouldn’t answer my call? How was I to know that he would call me while I was at work the next day and break up with me? I couldn’t have known. However, this does make me wonder why I was never introduced Dan, cuz dan probably would have given it away. *sigh* I don’t care that you are tyring to make things better right now, cub. I am still in pain. I came to you because I believed that you would help me laugh, not so that you could laugh at me. That part wont come for a while. I know that later I will be able to laugh, but not while the wounds are still so fresh. I gave him so much of me, and for that I have nothing to show. Not even some small lonely corner of his heart reserved with my name on it. I trusted so deeply, and I over looked so much. It wasn’t like me at all, but I let that go because I thought that it was real. I thought that he was real. I was wrong. I am already so fragmented right now that I have found it easy today. I just skipped from one piece of me to the next, and without a bridge to connect the two I have been able to take some of the weight off of my back. Now, if I cold only widden the gap….but I can’t. I always go back to him. I don’t know why I called him last night, or why I told him how much you hurt me…or why he showed what seemed to be sincere sympathy. Maybe he does see how pathetic I am. And yet, when I insulted myself (in jest) he defended me and said that he has never thought that about me and I shouldn’t either. He tried to tell me that he likes all of me, and that I shouldn’t be hard on myself because I am better than that. I don’t understand at all. I can’t decipher who wants to help, and who wants to hurt. I hope that I can go out tonight like I have intended, so that I can forget. Even if I remember in the morning, I want to feel the night air on my skin, and let it cool away my pains.

weak

saphra — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 06:04:48 +0000

Falling down, falling down. I’m so weak. I can’t stand by myself. I never could. Cougar medicine. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve Keireh. NO I DON’T. I am not strong enough. I am so dependent. I keep it all inside. I file it away for some day in the future, some random day when things will weigh to heavily and I will be forced to let some of them go. I always need a crutch. Because I need to know that I am loveable. That I am worth something. I need to know that SOMEONE can love me. That is why I go to them when it gets to bad. I keep it all to myself, but when it gets to be too much I have to tell them. The ones that I trust most. That I love most.

Dreams:

Things have been foggy lately. Literally. It looks like there is a layer of mist so thick that I can only see a few feet in front of me. And yet I run blindly through it. Running towards the sound of wing beats. Finally, when I start to grow tired of running, I remember my wings. Those great green and silver wings. I jump into the air, swirling the mist with my powerful strokes. I get so caught up in the flight that I forget about the one that I was following. But I know that it is Taranis.

Sick and sore

saphra — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 06:37:32 +0000

I have been sleeping horribley lately. I think that I woke up 12 times last night. The last two nights have been the worst. I did dream both last night, and the night before, but the dreams were very fragmented. I don’t really remember much. I know that Eric was in there somewhere, but I only remember seeing him smiling and reaching for something. I remember seeing the silver dragon, but just a glimpse of him pushing off the ground. It didn’t even last long enough to see the first wing beat. There was also something with Jade and Sedonna, and a couple things with Keireh, but they were just glimpses. Almost like a slide show.

I am sick of all this confusion with Eric. Does he still want me because of who I am, or just because he is so attracted to me physically?

I am sickeningly sore from all the work.

Muddled

saphra — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 21:14:43 +0000

The constant whirling
Swooshing, curling
Through my fingers
It stops to linger
Watch it coil
Steady turmoil
Constant pleasure
Hidden pressure
Take this bet
You won’t regret
Life is nothing
Without something
Love and fear
One single tear
Raindrops fall
I stand tall
Through the storm
Unadorned
Steady, simple
Truly a stemple
Shallow depths
I am inept
Life keeps flowing
Never knowing
What comes next
Take one more step
Just keep falling
My heart is calling
You’ll never end
What cannot begin

Letting Go

saphra — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 07:16:05 +0000

Here it comes. The crash. Winding its way down my body as if I were a spiral staircase. Searching for hidden paths it hasn’t traveled yet. I can feel its yearning to immerse all of me in its electric torture. The sparks shoot from my finger tips as I reach out my hands in hopes of finding something to hold to to steady myself. My breath has gone ragged and labored. Everything seems to wear a tint of red as I frantically search for some way out. After a few prolonged seconds I realize that this time there wil not be a way out. Finally it has reached my toes and the seemingly never ending quest to saturate my every cell is complete. Everything in time itself seems to stop as if the universe is holding its breath. All I can do to keep myself standing is chant in my head, “In. Out.” over and over as a mantra to kep my lungs working. The yelling begins and I know that all that I had predicted is being fulfilled. Numbers race through my head, one after the other, then screech to a hault at 25. Why is this the cut off? I thought that it would continue on to 28, but then I remember that things aren’t the same for everyone. Suddenly, a wave of white hot emotion washes over me and my body is wracked with sobs. One more step in my direction, one more push, and I’m ready to bolt. I see the faces getting closer, pressing in around me, and I run for the door. Outside the world is calm, but I know that it will not last. I’m running barefoot towards the edge with no intention of stopping. I can hear the heavy footfalls pounding out the proximity of those whom they belong to, and I will my legs to move just a bit faster. I keep running untill there is no longer any ground to be offered to my bleeding feet. As I fall I feel their hands grab my arms, but gravity’s will abates theirs into little more than a testament of finger shaped welts where they tried with all their might to keep me on the ground. I feel the air rush by my closed eyes and as I open them I realize that it’s not the air that’s moving, it’s me. The Earth below rushes to meet me, but just before it seems that I will surely die, I spread my wings and let them catch the air, pulling me parrallel to the ground in what is now a horizontal flight. A few beats of my wings and I am soaring at amazing heights. I look back to the cliff and see them all, arms still outstretched towards me. I feel the hot tears pour from my eyes and and catch in the wind. My mouth is incapable of speech, but my mind screams these words as if they could actually hear my thoughts, “I told you I was ready to fly. I told you I was ready. I told you.”