I tried to fly. I jumped into the air and my wings took me to great heights. I thought that I knew what I was doing. That I was a natural. I had the time of my life. I was free. I took my wings for granted. A gust of wind came from the wrong direction and my wings got tangled and torn. I fell to the ground where I lay in a broken heap. It took a couple days to stand back up and inspect the damage. The pain seemed to settle to a bearable throb. But I knew that my wings were broken and that I needed to set the bones straight if I ever hoped to fly again. Today will be the day. I will set things straight. I know that I will fly again. I thought that I knew what I was doing before, and I have learned from that mistake. I may very well fall the next time around, but it will not be because of arrogance. Today I will splint my wings, and bite through the pain. Today is the day. Today.

I…yes, I said that things might end up in a situation like this. *sigh* But that doesn’t mean that I was ready for it. I was given no warning. I was at his house the night before and things were fine. I was on the phone with him when I pulled into work and he said that he would meet me there when I got off work. From my perspective nothing was wrong. How was I to know that he would stand me up? How was I to know he wouldn’t answer my call? How was I to know that he would call me while I was at work the next day and break up with me? I couldn’t have known. However, this does make me wonder why I was never introduced Dan, cuz dan probably would have given it away. *sigh* I don’t care that you are tyring to make things better right now, cub. I am still in pain. I came to you because I believed that you would help me laugh, not so that you could laugh at me. That part wont come for a while. I know that later I will be able to laugh, but not while the wounds are still so fresh. I gave him so much of me, and for that I have nothing to show. Not even some small lonely corner of his heart reserved with my name on it. I trusted so deeply, and I over looked so much. It wasn’t like me at all, but I let that go because I thought that it was real. I thought that he was real. I was wrong. I am already so fragmented right now that I have found it easy today. I just skipped from one piece of me to the next, and without a bridge to connect the two I have been able to take some of the weight off of my back. Now, if I cold only widden the gap….but I can’t. I always go back to him. I don’t know why I called him last night, or why I told him how much you hurt me…or why he showed what seemed to be sincere sympathy. Maybe he does see how pathetic I am. And yet, when I insulted myself (in jest) he defended me and said that he has never thought that about me and I shouldn’t either. He tried to tell me that he likes all of me, and that I shouldn’t be hard on myself because I am better than that. I don’t understand at all. I can’t decipher who wants to help, and who wants to hurt. I hope that I can go out tonight like I have intended, so that I can forget. Even if I remember in the morning, I want to feel the night air on my skin, and let it cool away my pains.

Falling down, falling down. I’m so weak. I can’t stand by myself. I never could. Cougar medicine. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve Keireh. NO I DON’T. I am not strong enough. I am so dependent. I keep it all inside. I file it away for some day in the future, some random day when things will weigh to heavily and I will be forced to let some of them go. I always need a crutch. Because I need to know that I am loveable. That I am worth something. I need to know that SOMEONE can love me. That is why I go to them when it gets to bad. I keep it all to myself, but when it gets to be too much I have to tell them. The ones that I trust most. That I love most.

Dreams:

Things have been foggy lately. Literally. It looks like there is a layer of mist so thick that I can only see a few feet in front of me. And yet I run blindly through it. Running towards the sound of wing beats. Finally, when I start to grow tired of running, I remember my wings. Those great green and silver wings. I jump into the air, swirling the mist with my powerful strokes. I get so caught up in the flight that I forget about the one that I was following. But I know that it is Taranis.

I have been sleeping horribley lately. I think that I woke up 12 times last night. The last two nights have been the worst. I did dream both last night, and the night before, but the dreams were very fragmented. I don’t really remember much. I know that Eric was in there somewhere, but I only remember seeing him smiling and reaching for something. I remember seeing the silver dragon, but just a glimpse of him pushing off the ground. It didn’t even last long enough to see the first wing beat. There was also something with Jade and Sedonna, and a couple things with Keireh, but they were just glimpses. Almost like a slide show.

I am sick of all this confusion with Eric. Does he still want me because of who I am, or just because he is so attracted to me physically?

I am sickeningly sore from all the work.

The constant whirling
Swooshing, curling
Through my fingers
It stops to linger
Watch it coil
Steady turmoil
Constant pleasure
Hidden pressure
Take this bet
You won’t regret
Life is nothing
Without something
Love and fear
One single tear
Raindrops fall
I stand tall
Through the storm
Unadorned
Steady, simple
Truly a stemple
Shallow depths
I am inept
Life keeps flowing
Never knowing
What comes next
Take one more step
Just keep falling
My heart is calling
You’ll never end
What cannot begin

Here it comes. The crash. Winding its way down my body as if I were a spiral staircase. Searching for hidden paths it hasn’t traveled yet. I can feel its yearning to immerse all of me in its electric torture. The sparks shoot from my finger tips as I reach out my hands in hopes of finding something to hold to to steady myself. My breath has gone ragged and labored. Everything seems to wear a tint of red as I frantically search for some way out. After a few prolonged seconds I realize that this time there wil not be a way out. Finally it has reached my toes and the seemingly never ending quest to saturate my every cell is complete. Everything in time itself seems to stop as if the universe is holding its breath. All I can do to keep myself standing is chant in my head, “In. Out.” over and over as a mantra to kep my lungs working. The yelling begins and I know that all that I had predicted is being fulfilled. Numbers race through my head, one after the other, then screech to a hault at 25. Why is this the cut off? I thought that it would continue on to 28, but then I remember that things aren’t the same for everyone. Suddenly, a wave of white hot emotion washes over me and my body is wracked with sobs. One more step in my direction, one more push, and I’m ready to bolt. I see the faces getting closer, pressing in around me, and I run for the door. Outside the world is calm, but I know that it will not last. I’m running barefoot towards the edge with no intention of stopping. I can hear the heavy footfalls pounding out the proximity of those whom they belong to, and I will my legs to move just a bit faster. I keep running untill there is no longer any ground to be offered to my bleeding feet. As I fall I feel their hands grab my arms, but gravity’s will abates theirs into little more than a testament of finger shaped welts where they tried with all their might to keep me on the ground. I feel the air rush by my closed eyes and as I open them I realize that it’s not the air that’s moving, it’s me. The Earth below rushes to meet me, but just before it seems that I will surely die, I spread my wings and let them catch the air, pulling me parrallel to the ground in what is now a horizontal flight. A few beats of my wings and I am soaring at amazing heights. I look back to the cliff and see them all, arms still outstretched towards me. I feel the hot tears pour from my eyes and and catch in the wind. My mouth is incapable of speech, but my mind screams these words as if they could actually hear my thoughts, “I told you I was ready to fly. I told you I was ready. I told you.”

I have not dreamt lately.

I have been seeing Eric, but right now I am sick of him saying he will call, but blowing me off for video games, and always calling when he is drunk and acting stupid. I knew it would catch up to me sooner or later.

I just want to get a job, and get out.

I need some sleep…

I trust you more than most. I divulge to you the deepest breaths of my soul, along with the shallowist whims of my skin. I love you. I need you to trust me too. To know that I am not unlovable. Untrustable. I don’t understand. If this is who you are, why can’t I know the real you? The one beneath the skin? I don’t understand…I would take you no matter what you are. I love you…I hate unrequited trust. Love. I…it hurts more than you could understand. The secret isn’t what is bothering me. It’s the fact that you are keeping it.

Eric seems to only enjoy talking to me between the hours of 1 and 5:30 am. And if I wasn’t so into this guy I would totally blow him off for it. He tells me at 10 that he would call in a little bit, and I get a text at 3 in the morning asking if I’m still up, or too tired to talk. I don’t know what I am doing…

After we got off the phone at 5:11am my mind just wouldn’t shut off. I finally drifted off around 7, and got up 3 hours later. Kylie saw me and that was it, there was no escape. She did the “Pick me up” thing, and after that if I tried to put her down it was tears. So I think that all together I got maybe 4 1/2 hours of sleep, and I did dream.

It was weird. Not lucid at all, but I do remember most of it. I was in what I assumed was Pat’s dojo in Chico. I have never been there because I take his class out at Butte. But I was definately in a dojo, and I believe Ishmael was there. I started a free sparr with some chick and was doing pretty good with the sais while she had a bo staff. But in the middle of the fight everything kinda faded away and I realized I was waking up because of a stupid text. I really need to start turning my phone to alarm only. I seriously need some sleep. I don’t know how my body functions because I have been getting about 3 or 4 hours a night.

I’m caught in a sticky silvery web. Drops of silver glisten off of it and attract hundreds more just like me. It sticks to my fur as I struggle to get out, until finally I am coated in a fine layer of the wet substance. It sparkles in the dappled light, and gives me the look of a star. Finally I give up on trying to get out of the web with a sigh of defeat. As I lay there pondering what might be the owner of the web, the only thing that comes to mind is a huge arachnid. I cringe at the thought of being slowly eaten alive by the one animal that fear, and respect, for its ability to kill things huindreds of times it size with such a small amount of its deadly poison. My shadow totem. The Spider.

She came, the hunger glinting in her eyes. I cosed my eyes, and tried to steady my breathing so that I could die as a Cougar. I would not show my fear openly. I would die with my head held high, my claws unsheathed, and my fangs bared. She came to me, but stopped right in front of me. I looked up at her and wasn’t afraid of what might happen. I came to terms with imminent peril, and sighed in defeat. Then I woke.

Now before you give me your takes on this, let me just say that this was not me overcoming my fears. This was nothing like that. It seemed more of me accepting my place in the world. Those above me, holding me down, keeping me from everything I want…they are the spider. Or rather, she was portraying them. The web was everything that is going on right now that I have been caught up in (Addison, Sarah and Aaron, Rach and Curtis and Miah, Josh and the girls, Richie’s mental health problems, etc.). The web was pretty much just life. The silver drops were all the things that are put on me, like babysitting, scholarships, graduation, my car, trying to get a job, school, figuring out how I will afford Virginia…

The confusion is not figuring out what things mean. It’s figuring out why she said them.