weak

Falling down, falling down. I’m so weak. I can’t stand by myself. I never could. Cougar medicine. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve Keireh. NO I DON’T. I am not strong enough. I am so dependent. I keep it all inside. I file it away for some day in the future, some random day when things will weigh to heavily and I will be forced to let some of them go. I always need a crutch. Because I need to know that I am loveable. That I am worth something. I need to know that SOMEONE can love me. That is why I go to them when it gets to bad. I keep it all to myself, but when it gets to be too much I have to tell them. The ones that I trust most. That I love most.

Dreams:

Things have been foggy lately. Literally. It looks like there is a layer of mist so thick that I can only see a few feet in front of me. And yet I run blindly through it. Running towards the sound of wing beats. Finally, when I start to grow tired of running, I remember my wings. Those great green and silver wings. I jump into the air, swirling the mist with my powerful strokes. I get so caught up in the flight that I forget about the one that I was following. But I know that it is Taranis.

Confusion

I’m caught in a sticky silvery web. Drops of silver glisten off of it and attract hundreds more just like me. It sticks to my fur as I struggle to get out, until finally I am coated in a fine layer of the wet substance. It sparkles in the dappled light, and gives me the look of a star. Finally I give up on trying to get out of the web with a sigh of defeat. As I lay there pondering what might be the owner of the web, the only thing that comes to mind is a huge arachnid. I cringe at the thought of being slowly eaten alive by the one animal that fear, and respect, for its ability to kill things huindreds of times it size with such a small amount of its deadly poison. My shadow totem. The Spider.

She came, the hunger glinting in her eyes. I cosed my eyes, and tried to steady my breathing so that I could die as a Cougar. I would not show my fear openly. I would die with my head held high, my claws unsheathed, and my fangs bared. She came to me, but stopped right in front of me. I looked up at her and wasn’t afraid of what might happen. I came to terms with imminent peril, and sighed in defeat. Then I woke.

Now before you give me your takes on this, let me just say that this was not me overcoming my fears. This was nothing like that. It seemed more of me accepting my place in the world. Those above me, holding me down, keeping me from everything I want…they are the spider. Or rather, she was portraying them. The web was everything that is going on right now that I have been caught up in (Addison, Sarah and Aaron, Rach and Curtis and Miah, Josh and the girls, Richie’s mental health problems, etc.). The web was pretty much just life. The silver drops were all the things that are put on me, like babysitting, scholarships, graduation, my car, trying to get a job, school, figuring out how I will afford Virginia…

The confusion is not figuring out what things mean. It’s figuring out why she said them.

Not for a while

I haven’t written of my dreams for a while. Of the ones that I have been trying to ignore. The dream that I had in which you just watched me suffer…I have repeated that dream 4 times. The last time though, you still said that “No one will pick up the pieces,” but there was more. It did not end at that as it had in all the others. You continued to say…”Don’t you feel it? Don’t you see what you are doing? It’s there. It’s so close…Don’t you see it?” You looked worried. Fearful. You looked around nervously as if you were expecting something bad to happen, then you spoke again. “It will never be the same. When you stand up again everything will be different, but you will still be you. Only stronger. I will not help so that you may grow.” And with that you turned and walked away, and never once looked back. Then I woke.

On Wednesday, May 14, I dreamt a new dream. I was just seeing images as if through a kalidoscope. But one thing that came through clearly was me lying on the ground, almost convulsing from the pain. My shape flickered from human to Cougar as if it were a fading glamour. Keireh stood over me, a deep growl grumbling in her throat. There was *someone* standing there. My hands were reaching out, and so were theirs, but everytime that we came close to touching Keireh would snarl and nash her teeth at the hand. She would not let them touch me. I had this dream again on Thursday night. I remember a desperation, like I needed to get to that person. I wasn’t scared of Keireh, but rather scared of what she might do to the person. I loved the person, whoever it was (They were out of focus), and wanted Keireh to love them to. But she blamed them for the pain that I was feeling, and would not let them get to me. I woke both times with a feeling of dread deep in my heart, and a sickness in my stomach.

Beautiful colors

I dreamt of birds last night. I was standing in some sort of rain forest. Everything was green and wet. I was in a full length, light blue dress dress. It looked something like this…..

Only it was this color….

 

At first I was just walking around. I started to hear whooshing noises. Then there were just hundreds of birds flying around. I was captivated by the different colors and shapes and sizes. An American Kestrel landed on my shoulder, and I was suprised, and pleased, to find that his touch was gentle. I turned my head to look at him. He was gorgeous. He stared at me, and I at him for what seemed like hours. The other birds just kept flitting about. He showed me so many things, then slowly dipped his head and broke the connection. Of the many things that was expressed, one message was given stronger than the rest; he would be sticking around for a long time.

Lessons learned

I went into the Umbra. I don’t feel like going into very much detail, because I already have today. Maybe I will edit later and add in. Maybe not.

I was in my familiar woods, but not as Cougar. Everything was silent. There was nothing going on around me, not even any wind. I walked until the paths changed. It was as if the forest had grown and changed in between my visits. I thought that I kept seeing *something* throught this visit, but I couldn’t hear anything so I inored it because I am too proud or somthing. I dunno…

I came to the pool of water that I had seen the “spotted something” at before. I walked through the water to the other side, and continued on through the forests, not following any path. I came to a clearing that was small, but not tiny. In the middle was hole in the ground that looked about 6ft across, give or take. I walked towards it, and the noticed that the ground got wetter as I got closer to the hole until I was trudging through watery mud. I looked into the hole, but all I saw was black. I kept looking into what was presumably nothing, and a door started to materialize out of the black. i started to climb down, and felt something behind me, but couldn’t hear anything so I didn’t even bother to look around. I climbed down, and pulled the door open.

Eveything seemed to come alive. I looked behind me and saw that the spotted something was a lynx.

I asked it what its purpose was. It replied with “to watch.” I walked back to the pool, where there were tons of animals drinking. Even a zebra. They didn’t see me though. Lynx told me that it had been watching for a while, but I never see. I never hear the whisperings. I continued back to where I first started, and Lynx followed me. Keireh met me at the beginning, and took me inside her, changing me back into my cougar form. She told me to take this lesson into my heart because it was one that she could not teach me. I thanked the Lynx, who nodded, and then slinked off into the forest. Then I returned from the Umbra, and went to sleep.

Sleep…

The Umbra has been pulling me in, even without my consent. I will sleep dreamlessly, and then I can feel the pull. But my heart is not there, so I slip out of it easily.

The first. I didn’t get the sense that I was walking. Or moving at all. It was more of an effortless glide, just moving over everything on the ground. I was there, but not focusing on it. I was not there for very long, but as I passed through the woods I saw something spotted in a tree over head. And then I woke up.

The second. I was in a full length gown. I don’t remember much about it, other than it was dark green with long sleeves. There was a pool of water that a stream ran into. The spotted something sat on the opposite side as me, drinking the water from the pool. I took a step forward and thought that I heard his familiar “my darling Katja”…*jolted awake*

The third. I do not recall seeing anything, other than eyes. They were yellow, but not startling so. I got the impression that they were feline, but the pupils were small circles and not the usual slits that go hand in hand with cats. I had my suspicions, and I believe that they have been confirmed with this picture.

Tonight I plan on returning to the Umbra, but of my own will. I wish to find out more about this “spotted something.”

Horse and Dragon

I dreamed once more of the dragon, but he was not the main focus of the dream. It started in a hall that seemed to continue on endlessly. I was running, not as Cougar, but as normal human me. My hair was the normal dream length, cut, and style; down to my hips, auburn, and curled at the ends. I was wearing a silver gown, and yes, Horse was there in all her silver beauty.

I was running down the hall, trying to reach the end. There were no openings of any sort at first, then gradually small slits appeared in the white stone walls. I could see blurrs of green and brown as I ran. The slits started to get bigger the farther down I got. Horse was running next to the hall, on the outside. Her silver skin glistened in the moon light (it was a full moon), and she hazed back and forth several times from human to horse shape, then finally took her usual in between. (its like she is both at the same time. I can see her as a horse, and as a person. Its gorgeous.) The openings broadened, and the hall took on the look of the Temple Circe, on the island Circeo. I have only seen it in pictures, or in clips from films, but that is what it reminded me of. At the exact same time, both horse and I stopped running. The skirts of our gowns flew out in front of us with the momentum of our run, then settled around our ankles. I turned to her and she just smiled. Her silvery hair cascaded down her shoulders, back, and waist like diamond dust, and rested at about mid calf. She winked at me, then asked me to follow her. I did. We walked away from the hall, and into the middle of a meadow. The moonlight kissed my bare shoulders, and the gentle wind that usually accompanies Horse licked at my hair and playfully tossed it around. I heard the familiar sound of hooves, and she told me to stay. I understood that I would not be allowed to run with the herd tonight. They came. I saw the black one, the paint, the bay, the buckskin filly, the arabian…they ran freely and passionately. I thanked Horse for coming to me, and told her that I had missed her. She nodded, then took my face gently in her hands and kissed me lightly on the lips. Then she was gone with the rest of the herd. I watched them run until I could no longer hear or see them. I could see the line of trees that marked the entry to the forest that I have prowled on so many nights. That sacred forest where I first met Keireh. Even though I longed to run through it once more, I heeded the words of Horse, and stayed in the meadow. I sat and just absorbed the moonlight that was dancing in pale shards across my skin. 

The world had grown quiet, but then I heard the beating of wings which announced the arrival of the dilver dragon. He landed softly in front of me and the last remnants of the wind made by his powerful strokes tugged at my hair and dress. Last night when I dreamed of him there were no words spoken. This time I felt compeled to say something.

I bowed, or rather, I curtsied to him, and he also dipped his head toward me. His eyes shone pale green in the soft moon light. I felt as if I wasn’t worthy to be in his presence, but also so honored that he had come to me once again.

“I am Keireh. I guard these woods while sweet slumber gives me leave from my honorable duty of guarding my day walker.” I didn’t even think of what to say, it just came out…

“I know who you are. I have seen you come here many times. I have seen those that came before you, and I will see those that will come when you are gone.”

“I do not fear you. You will not hurt me. I can feel that, but why are you here, wise one?” He smiled, and slowly lowered himself to the ground so that he was laying on his belly. His eyes darkened to a forest green, but I could still see swirls of pale throughout.

“What is it that you guard, Keireh? Surely the trees in all their grandeur wont move from this sacred grove. And the animals that roam here are knowing. They will not leave the beauty of these woods.”

I did not know how to address this, but I spoke without hesitation. “I guard the magic that keeps alive the heart of this forest. I mediate the power, and ensure that all is just and right. Is this wrong, wise one?” I honestly didn’t know if what I was doing was wrong to him, so I naturally felt inclined to ask.

“It is how it should be. You do as you well.”

“Tell me, wise one, why have you come to me, if not to fix some inbalance?”

“I have watched you grow. I do not need impose.” His eyes stared past me at something, or into some time that I could not see.

“May I know your name?” I knew that this might have been a little too straight foreward, and that I might regret it later, but isn’t that why they say that curiosity killed the cat?

“You have a strong connection with the ancient Celts. To them I was known as Taranis. You may call me this also.”

I could feel my mind start to pull awake, even though I longed to just stay there in the meadow.

“Thank you, Taranis. I fear I must leave now,” I said, feeling the worlds pull strengthen.

“Come here, my child.”

I did exactly as I was told. I brought myself to stand directly in front of him. He gently touched his muzzle to my forehead and I felt a tingling run through the coarse of my body. Instantly the sky was covered with a blanket of dark clouds, and lightning struck the ground dangerously close. The winds blew fiercely, and the trees moaned against the force of nature, but I feared nothing in his presence. Then suddenly I was awake.

Keireh

I want you here. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to push you away. I was scared. I didn’t know what was happening. I was afraid to lose myself to you. My identity. But now, after talking with Tek, I understand that with you I will be stronger. You will fill in my weaknesses. I want you back. I want you to fill my voids. I want you to merge with me. I miss your pawprints. Your guidance. I love you and everything that you stand for. I am sorry Keireh. I hope that you could forgive me. Please come back to me. So Raven was a test. I loved him. I wanted him with me. And I still miss him. But I see now that it was a test. You blinded me by him. Maybe even conspired with Raven against me. All to test me. My strength. I am stronger now. I do not cry for what I have lost. I do not bleed or ache inside because of the intensity of my wounds. I abated the pain. I cut it out. You were the tourniquet. I stumbled, and you supported me. But I picked myself up and now I can hold my head proud. Sister, please come back to me. Haven’t I proven myself strong enough as Cougar? Sister, hear these words I scream. I am your vessel, and you are my wind. Merge with me. Blend. Give me your power, knowledge, strength, dexterity…let us become one. Keireh. I am sorry. That is all that I can offer you. My apologies and my love. Except them as you will.