Saphra’s Weblog

I tried to fly. I jumped into the air and my wings took me to great heights. I thought that I knew what I was doing. That I was a natural. I had the time of my life. I was free. I took my wings for granted. A gust of wind came from the wrong direction and my wings got tangled and torn. I fell to the ground where I lay in a broken heap. It took a couple days to stand back up and inspect the damage. The pain seemed to settle to a bearable throb. But I knew that my wings were broken and that I needed to set the bones straight if I ever hoped to fly again. Today will be the day. I will set things straight. I know that I will fly again. I thought that I knew what I was doing before, and I have learned from that mistake. I may very well fall the next time around, but it will not be because of arrogance. Today I will splint my wings, and bite through the pain. Today is the day. Today.

I…yes, I said that things might end up in a situation like this. *sigh* But that doesn’t mean that I was ready for it. I was given no warning. I was at his house the night before and things were fine. I was on the phone with him when I pulled into work and he said that he would meet me there when I got off work. From my perspective nothing was wrong. How was I to know that he would stand me up? How was I to know he wouldn’t answer my call? How was I to know that he would call me while I was at work the next day and break up with me? I couldn’t have known. However, this does make me wonder why I was never introduced Dan, cuz dan probably would have given it away. *sigh* I don’t care that you are tyring to make things better right now, cub. I am still in pain. I came to you because I believed that you would help me laugh, not so that you could laugh at me. That part wont come for a while. I know that later I will be able to laugh, but not while the wounds are still so fresh. I gave him so much of me, and for that I have nothing to show. Not even some small lonely corner of his heart reserved with my name on it. I trusted so deeply, and I over looked so much. It wasn’t like me at all, but I let that go because I thought that it was real. I thought that he was real. I was wrong. I am already so fragmented right now that I have found it easy today. I just skipped from one piece of me to the next, and without a bridge to connect the two I have been able to take some of the weight off of my back. Now, if I cold only widden the gap….but I can’t. I always go back to him. I don’t know why I called him last night, or why I told him how much you hurt me…or why he showed what seemed to be sincere sympathy. Maybe he does see how pathetic I am. And yet, when I insulted myself (in jest) he defended me and said that he has never thought that about me and I shouldn’t either. He tried to tell me that he likes all of me, and that I shouldn’t be hard on myself because I am better than that. I don’t understand at all. I can’t decipher who wants to help, and who wants to hurt. I hope that I can go out tonight like I have intended, so that I can forget. Even if I remember in the morning, I want to feel the night air on my skin, and let it cool away my pains.

I have been sleeping horribley lately. I think that I woke up 12 times last night. The last two nights have been the worst. I did dream both last night, and the night before, but the dreams were very fragmented. I don’t really remember much. I know that Eric was in there somewhere, but I only remember seeing him smiling and reaching for something. I remember seeing the silver dragon, but just a glimpse of him pushing off the ground. It didn’t even last long enough to see the first wing beat. There was also something with Jade and Sedonna, and a couple things with Keireh, but they were just glimpses. Almost like a slide show.

I am sick of all this confusion with Eric. Does he still want me because of who I am, or just because he is so attracted to me physically?

I am sickeningly sore from all the work.

I have not dreamt lately.

I have been seeing Eric, but right now I am sick of him saying he will call, but blowing me off for video games, and always calling when he is drunk and acting stupid. I knew it would catch up to me sooner or later.

I just want to get a job, and get out.

I need some sleep…

I trust you more than most. I divulge to you the deepest breaths of my soul, along with the shallowist whims of my skin. I love you. I need you to trust me too. To know that I am not unlovable. Untrustable. I don’t understand. If this is who you are, why can’t I know the real you? The one beneath the skin? I don’t understand…I would take you no matter what you are. I love you…I hate unrequited trust. Love. I…it hurts more than you could understand. The secret isn’t what is bothering me. It’s the fact that you are keeping it.

It was there. I saw it and I ran, my fingers outstretched to it…but then it was nothing. Just air clasped tight in my palm. I can’t take it. I walked with a smile on my face, and was nice and polite. I wondered if they could see the black inside. But they couldn’t. They saw what I showed them, and that was a fake smile. Which they took all too eagerly, not wanting to question the way that things appear.

I was hit today in Karate. Twice. Once on the outside of my right foot. Once on the outside of my right ankle. I didn’t jump high enough when he swung the bow staff at my knees. I was suprised at how it didn’t hurt until I was in the middle of my English class. The pain flared to life, and has not ceased yet.

My ankle is swollen, and two purple bruises show the truth of what is felt below the surface. What would I look like to others if they could see what I hold inside? This black…is slowly swallowing me bit by bit. But the jewel has not been forgotten, nor has it left me. I see him here and there…he’s watching. Waiting. The green glint that I see with my peripheral…I wish that it was comforting, but it isn’t. Its nothing. Just a whispered maybe.

I was given a small glimpse of the circle of companion souls to my own. I understand that only the ones that were there before this time, this world, before we all forgot, before we were ignorant, only those are the certain companions. Those are the ones that were there with me on the journey here, into this body, into this world. Some came before me, some after me, and some have yet to come…some I still know, some I have yet to meet, and some I will never come in contact with again. I also saw those that may become companions on this journey, that weren’t with me before. Others who have lost some of their companions. It happens when those other souls aren’t found…they search for other souls that they can get along with, that they can relate to, that remind them of those that they lost, and out of a need to fill those empty places in their circle, they attach to others that they found here. I saw the possible companions that are to be with me in the life after this one. Just forms in mist. Pictures so uncertain that they couldn’t even fully form. I was delighted to see that a few were there in every circle, but also curious to meet those that were only in one, or maybe two of the 3 circles. It is calming to know that even though things may work one way, they can also work another way. It is ultimately left up to me. If my soul finds those other companions, then they will solidify out of the mist, but if not, they will not be harmed, and neither will I. I wonder, how many other people see me? How many saw a misty me and wondered what kind of companion I would be, or if I will solidify in their circles?

I needed somewhere to go. Somewhere that I could just pour out my inner thoughts without fear of consequence. Somewhere that I could say whatever I need to say. Even though I love my live journal and I will not delete it, I couldn’t stand the constant screening of what I said so that I wouldn’t offend some or others. So this is my escape. My one place that no one will know me. No one will criticize. It’s flowing and I will not stop it.