Saphra’s Weblog

Falling down, falling down. I’m so weak. I can’t stand by myself. I never could. Cougar medicine. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve Keireh. NO I DON’T. I am not strong enough. I am so dependent. I keep it all inside. I file it away for some day in the future, some random day when things will weigh to heavily and I will be forced to let some of them go. I always need a crutch. Because I need to know that I am loveable. That I am worth something. I need to know that SOMEONE can love me. That is why I go to them when it gets to bad. I keep it all to myself, but when it gets to be too much I have to tell them. The ones that I trust most. That I love most.

Dreams:

Things have been foggy lately. Literally. It looks like there is a layer of mist so thick that I can only see a few feet in front of me. And yet I run blindly through it. Running towards the sound of wing beats. Finally, when I start to grow tired of running, I remember my wings. Those great green and silver wings. I jump into the air, swirling the mist with my powerful strokes. I get so caught up in the flight that I forget about the one that I was following. But I know that it is Taranis.

I have been sleeping horribley lately. I think that I woke up 12 times last night. The last two nights have been the worst. I did dream both last night, and the night before, but the dreams were very fragmented. I don’t really remember much. I know that Eric was in there somewhere, but I only remember seeing him smiling and reaching for something. I remember seeing the silver dragon, but just a glimpse of him pushing off the ground. It didn’t even last long enough to see the first wing beat. There was also something with Jade and Sedonna, and a couple things with Keireh, but they were just glimpses. Almost like a slide show.

I am sick of all this confusion with Eric. Does he still want me because of who I am, or just because he is so attracted to me physically?

I am sickeningly sore from all the work.

Eric seems to only enjoy talking to me between the hours of 1 and 5:30 am. And if I wasn’t so into this guy I would totally blow him off for it. He tells me at 10 that he would call in a little bit, and I get a text at 3 in the morning asking if I’m still up, or too tired to talk. I don’t know what I am doing…

After we got off the phone at 5:11am my mind just wouldn’t shut off. I finally drifted off around 7, and got up 3 hours later. Kylie saw me and that was it, there was no escape. She did the “Pick me up” thing, and after that if I tried to put her down it was tears. So I think that all together I got maybe 4 1/2 hours of sleep, and I did dream.

It was weird. Not lucid at all, but I do remember most of it. I was in what I assumed was Pat’s dojo in Chico. I have never been there because I take his class out at Butte. But I was definately in a dojo, and I believe Ishmael was there. I started a free sparr with some chick and was doing pretty good with the sais while she had a bo staff. But in the middle of the fight everything kinda faded away and I realized I was waking up because of a stupid text. I really need to start turning my phone to alarm only. I seriously need some sleep. I don’t know how my body functions because I have been getting about 3 or 4 hours a night.

I’m caught in a sticky silvery web. Drops of silver glisten off of it and attract hundreds more just like me. It sticks to my fur as I struggle to get out, until finally I am coated in a fine layer of the wet substance. It sparkles in the dappled light, and gives me the look of a star. Finally I give up on trying to get out of the web with a sigh of defeat. As I lay there pondering what might be the owner of the web, the only thing that comes to mind is a huge arachnid. I cringe at the thought of being slowly eaten alive by the one animal that fear, and respect, for its ability to kill things huindreds of times it size with such a small amount of its deadly poison. My shadow totem. The Spider.

She came, the hunger glinting in her eyes. I cosed my eyes, and tried to steady my breathing so that I could die as a Cougar. I would not show my fear openly. I would die with my head held high, my claws unsheathed, and my fangs bared. She came to me, but stopped right in front of me. I looked up at her and wasn’t afraid of what might happen. I came to terms with imminent peril, and sighed in defeat. Then I woke.

Now before you give me your takes on this, let me just say that this was not me overcoming my fears. This was nothing like that. It seemed more of me accepting my place in the world. Those above me, holding me down, keeping me from everything I want…they are the spider. Or rather, she was portraying them. The web was everything that is going on right now that I have been caught up in (Addison, Sarah and Aaron, Rach and Curtis and Miah, Josh and the girls, Richie’s mental health problems, etc.). The web was pretty much just life. The silver drops were all the things that are put on me, like babysitting, scholarships, graduation, my car, trying to get a job, school, figuring out how I will afford Virginia…

The confusion is not figuring out what things mean. It’s figuring out why she said them.

I haven’t written of my dreams for a while. Of the ones that I have been trying to ignore. The dream that I had in which you just watched me suffer…I have repeated that dream 4 times. The last time though, you still said that “No one will pick up the pieces,” but there was more. It did not end at that as it had in all the others. You continued to say…”Don’t you feel it? Don’t you see what you are doing? It’s there. It’s so close…Don’t you see it?” You looked worried. Fearful. You looked around nervously as if you were expecting something bad to happen, then you spoke again. “It will never be the same. When you stand up again everything will be different, but you will still be you. Only stronger. I will not help so that you may grow.” And with that you turned and walked away, and never once looked back. Then I woke.

On Wednesday, May 14, I dreamt a new dream. I was just seeing images as if through a kalidoscope. But one thing that came through clearly was me lying on the ground, almost convulsing from the pain. My shape flickered from human to Cougar as if it were a fading glamour. Keireh stood over me, a deep growl grumbling in her throat. There was *someone* standing there. My hands were reaching out, and so were theirs, but everytime that we came close to touching Keireh would snarl and nash her teeth at the hand. She would not let them touch me. I had this dream again on Thursday night. I remember a desperation, like I needed to get to that person. I wasn’t scared of Keireh, but rather scared of what she might do to the person. I loved the person, whoever it was (They were out of focus), and wanted Keireh to love them to. But she blamed them for the pain that I was feeling, and would not let them get to me. I woke both times with a feeling of dread deep in my heart, and a sickness in my stomach.

I dreamt of birds last night. I was standing in some sort of rain forest. Everything was green and wet. I was in a full length, light blue dress dress. It looked something like this…..

Only it was this color….

At first I was just walking around. I started to hear whooshing noises. Then there were just hundreds of birds flying around. I was captivated by the different colors and shapes and sizes. An American Kestrel landed on my shoulder, and I was suprised, and pleased, to find that his touch was gentle. I turned my head to look at him. He was gorgeous. He stared at me, and I at him for what seemed like hours. The other birds just kept flitting about. He showed me so many things, then slowly dipped his head and broke the connection. Of the many things that was expressed, one message was given stronger than the rest; he would be sticking around for a long time.

My dreams have been troubled. I don’t know what to think of them. Normally I would just leave this kind of thing be, but reality is too painful. I have been trying to slip more and more into other realms to get away from the pain.

Read the rest of this entry »

I went into the Umbra. I don’t feel like going into very much detail, because I already have today. Maybe I will edit later and add in. Maybe not.

I was in my familiar woods, but not as Cougar. Everything was silent. There was nothing going on around me, not even any wind. I walked until the paths changed. It was as if the forest had grown and changed in between my visits. I thought that I kept seeing *something* throught this visit, but I couldn’t hear anything so I inored it because I am too proud or somthing. I dunno…

I came to the pool of water that I had seen the “spotted something” at before. I walked through the water to the other side, and continued on through the forests, not following any path. I came to a clearing that was small, but not tiny. In the middle was hole in the ground that looked about 6ft across, give or take. I walked towards it, and the noticed that the ground got wetter as I got closer to the hole until I was trudging through watery mud. I looked into the hole, but all I saw was black. I kept looking into what was presumably nothing, and a door started to materialize out of the black. i started to climb down, and felt something behind me, but couldn’t hear anything so I didn’t even bother to look around. I climbed down, and pulled the door open.

Eveything seemed to come alive. I looked behind me and saw that the spotted something was a lynx.

I asked it what its purpose was. It replied with “to watch.” I walked back to the pool, where there were tons of animals drinking. Even a zebra. They didn’t see me though. Lynx told me that it had been watching for a while, but I never see. I never hear the whisperings. I continued back to where I first started, and Lynx followed me. Keireh met me at the beginning, and took me inside her, changing me back into my cougar form. She told me to take this lesson into my heart because it was one that she could not teach me. I thanked the Lynx, who nodded, and then slinked off into the forest. Then I returned from the Umbra, and went to sleep.

The Umbra has been pulling me in, even without my consent. I will sleep dreamlessly, and then I can feel the pull. But my heart is not there, so I slip out of it easily.

The first. I didn’t get the sense that I was walking. Or moving at all. It was more of an effortless glide, just moving over everything on the ground. I was there, but not focusing on it. I was not there for very long, but as I passed through the woods I saw something spotted in a tree over head. And then I woke up.

The second. I was in a full length gown. I don’t remember much about it, other than it was dark green with long sleeves. There was a pool of water that a stream ran into. The spotted something sat on the opposite side as me, drinking the water from the pool. I took a step forward and thought that I heard his familiar “my darling Katja”…*jolted awake*

The third. I do not recall seeing anything, other than eyes. They were yellow, but not startling so. I got the impression that they were feline, but the pupils were small circles and not the usual slits that go hand in hand with cats. I had my suspicions, and I believe that they have been confirmed with this picture.

Tonight I plan on returning to the Umbra, but of my own will. I wish to find out more about this “spotted something.”

It seems that things always come to me in waves. I don’t get one then the other, which makes it that much harder to deal with it all. I don’t understand why someone that close would not take that into consideration. Despite the fact that I cant be mad, for some stupid reason, I will not continue things as they were. My pack is dead.

THE GREEN DRAGON

I worte it all in my moleskine, like I usually do when I cant write it any where else. And I don’t trust my mind to remember it all.

April 22, 2008.

Mom sent me the text about working…It pretty much ruined my day. Try as I might, I just couldn’t mask the depression, so great the volume of it. My pain openly marred my face with tear streaks and pain soaked eyes. I tried to immerse myself in The Sweet Far Thing so that I could ignore my hurt, but  nothing could shake the ache that gripped my heart. I didn’t want a ride from Curtis. I just wanted to walk in my thoughts, so I went the front way so as to not be seen when he pulled out. As I walked I let her guide my feet. I simply closed my eyes and let my feet fall where they would. I opened them when some pain needed release, and let the tendrils of pain slip out from under my eyelids like phantoms in the night. They were oold pains, not anything that would ease the degree of agony inside me. I was watching the van that was driving on the opposite side of the street. The driver watched me also. His sympathetic smile, and the look of eagerness to help that shone in his eyes made me angry. I saw the flash as he let me see that he was a green dragon, and I thought loudly, hoping to communicate over to him with the depth and extremity with which I was feeling these words, “I see you brother, and I despise your sympathy. Now is not the hour to show me that you think me weak.” He did not blame me, nor express any distaste towards my refusal. I saw him gently shrug, and I knew that he would be back at a more convienent time. Where he would offer more than just sympathy. I saw those green wings take flight, and thought no more of the jewel that had been offered. So many things are crashing in on me right now. I fear the need to call on every spirit that can lend support to help me heal.

Dream that night.

DARKNESS It blocked out everything!!  I was running, feeling my way around some sort of tunnel or hallway. The “walls”, for I do not know if that is truely what they were, felt rough and cold. I was terrified. AGONY It coursed through my body. I didn’t know if the extreme pain was the reason for my lack of sight, or if everything really was dark. FEAR pushed me forward causing my legs to move almost of their own accord. It was a short vision, and then I was released into dreamless sleep for the remainder of the night.