contemplation, deep frustration

I…yes, I said that things might end up in a situation like this. *sigh* But that doesn’t mean that I was ready for it. I was given no warning. I was at his house the night before and things were fine. I was on the phone with him when I pulled into work and he said that he would meet me there when I got off work. From my perspective nothing was wrong. How was I to know that he would stand me up? How was I to know he wouldn’t answer my call? How was I to know that he would call me while I was at work the next day and break up with me? I couldn’t have known. However, this does make me wonder why I was never introduced Dan, cuz dan probably would have given it away. *sigh* I don’t care that you are tyring to make things better right now, cub. I am still in pain. I came to you because I believed that you would help me laugh, not so that you could laugh at me. That part wont come for a while. I know that later I will be able to laugh, but not while the wounds are still so fresh. I gave him so much of me, and for that I have nothing to show. Not even some small lonely corner of his heart reserved with my name on it. I trusted so deeply, and I over looked so much. It wasn’t like me at all, but I let that go because I thought that it was real. I thought that he was real. I was wrong. I am already so fragmented right now that I have found it easy today. I just skipped from one piece of me to the next, and without a bridge to connect the two I have been able to take some of the weight off of my back. Now, if I cold only widden the gap….but I can’t. I always go back to him. I don’t know why I called him last night, or why I told him how much you hurt me…or why he showed what seemed to be sincere sympathy. Maybe he does see how pathetic I am. And yet, when I insulted myself (in jest) he defended me and said that he has never thought that about me and I shouldn’t either. He tried to tell me that he likes all of me, and that I shouldn’t be hard on myself because I am better than that. I don’t understand at all. I can’t decipher who wants to help, and who wants to hurt. I hope that I can go out tonight like I have intended, so that I can forget. Even if I remember in the morning, I want to feel the night air on my skin, and let it cool away my pains.