weak
July 9, 2008
Falling down, falling down. I’m so weak. I can’t stand by myself. I never could. Cougar medicine. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve Keireh. NO I DON’T. I am not strong enough. I am so dependent. I keep it all inside. I file it away for some day in the future, some random day when things will weigh to heavily and I will be forced to let some of them go. I always need a crutch. Because I need to know that I am loveable. That I am worth something. I need to know that SOMEONE can love me. That is why I go to them when it gets to bad. I keep it all to myself, but when it gets to be too much I have to tell them. The ones that I trust most. That I love most.
Dreams:
Things have been foggy lately. Literally. It looks like there is a layer of mist so thick that I can only see a few feet in front of me. And yet I run blindly through it. Running towards the sound of wing beats. Finally, when I start to grow tired of running, I remember my wings. Those great green and silver wings. I jump into the air, swirling the mist with my powerful strokes. I get so caught up in the flight that I forget about the one that I was following. But I know that it is Taranis.
id text or call you, but its 3 in the morning. (why am i still up at 3 in the morning?)
im sorry. that im an ass. a terrible person. who i am. i laughed. im laughing. and your not. and it confuses me… it hurts yes. but i thought we were good enough friends. for this to not matter. im on your side. im sorry erics a fucking ass. i would gladly like to exact revenge for you. for how he used you. but its kinda hard to atone for someone elses sins when mine weigh so heavy on my shoulders huh? call me or text me tomorrow. i doubt you will though
It’s funny, isn’t it? The degree of change that can take place in all of 3 days. You were on that list. Very high, actually. Even after you told me that you didn’t trust me, or love me anymore. But what you did yesterday…I just needed someone to talk to. Someone that loved me. Someone that wanted me around. I thought that you might still want me around, cuz you said you did. But you…well you know what you did, and now I know that that was probably not the truth. No matter how much you say you want to be here for me I can see that you dont. It seems like you just want the amusment. And that hurts.
so, trust has been broken on both sides. lame. one doesnt follow the other. i got amusement out of that one incident. because it was funny, apparently only to me. i thought you would want someone to laugh. that doesnt mean i wasnt sympathetic to what happened. doesnt mean i dont know what its like.
whatever you want kitten. i hope you can learn to laugh at me like you once did. im an idiot, remember?
shouldnt be too hard
That’s just it though, you DONT know what it is like. And not just because you are still a virgin. I TOLD you what was going on. I made sure you knew that I didn’t feel things like you did, and I didn’t laugh at you. I am Cougar, not Coyote. You know how he irritates me. You know that I do not think things are funny like you do. You know that I take it seriously. I know that we both said it, but it is different when I am admitting my mistakes and you wait until I am not around and throw it in my face. You threw where all would see that you got your chance to hurt me, and to show that you thought it was funny.
Sorry.
what should we do about this, if anything?