Today

I tried to fly. I jumped into the air and my wings took me to great heights. I thought that I knew what I was doing. That I was a natural. I had the time of my life. I was free. I took my wings for granted. A gust of wind came from the wrong direction and my wings got tangled and torn. I fell to the ground where I lay in a broken heap. It took a couple days to stand back up and inspect the damage. The pain seemed to settle to a bearable throb. But I knew that my wings were broken and that I needed to set the bones straight if I ever hoped to fly again. Today will be the day. I will set things straight. I know that I will fly again. I thought that I knew what I was doing before, and I have learned from that mistake. I may very well fall the next time around, but it will not be because of arrogance. Today I will splint my wings, and bite through the pain. Today is the day. Today.

contemplation, deep frustration

I…yes, I said that things might end up in a situation like this. *sigh* But that doesn’t mean that I was ready for it. I was given no warning. I was at his house the night before and things were fine. I was on the phone with him when I pulled into work and he said that he would meet me there when I got off work. From my perspective nothing was wrong. How was I to know that he would stand me up? How was I to know he wouldn’t answer my call? How was I to know that he would call me while I was at work the next day and break up with me? I couldn’t have known. However, this does make me wonder why I was never introduced Dan, cuz dan probably would have given it away. *sigh* I don’t care that you are tyring to make things better right now, cub. I am still in pain. I came to you because I believed that you would help me laugh, not so that you could laugh at me. That part wont come for a while. I know that later I will be able to laugh, but not while the wounds are still so fresh. I gave him so much of me, and for that I have nothing to show. Not even some small lonely corner of his heart reserved with my name on it. I trusted so deeply, and I over looked so much. It wasn’t like me at all, but I let that go because I thought that it was real. I thought that he was real. I was wrong. I am already so fragmented right now that I have found it easy today. I just skipped from one piece of me to the next, and without a bridge to connect the two I have been able to take some of the weight off of my back. Now, if I cold only widden the gap….but I can’t. I always go back to him. I don’t know why I called him last night, or why I told him how much you hurt me…or why he showed what seemed to be sincere sympathy. Maybe he does see how pathetic I am. And yet, when I insulted myself (in jest) he defended me and said that he has never thought that about me and I shouldn’t either. He tried to tell me that he likes all of me, and that I shouldn’t be hard on myself because I am better than that. I don’t understand at all. I can’t decipher who wants to help, and who wants to hurt. I hope that I can go out tonight like I have intended, so that I can forget. Even if I remember in the morning, I want to feel the night air on my skin, and let it cool away my pains.

weak

Falling down, falling down. I’m so weak. I can’t stand by myself. I never could. Cougar medicine. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve Keireh. NO I DON’T. I am not strong enough. I am so dependent. I keep it all inside. I file it away for some day in the future, some random day when things will weigh to heavily and I will be forced to let some of them go. I always need a crutch. Because I need to know that I am loveable. That I am worth something. I need to know that SOMEONE can love me. That is why I go to them when it gets to bad. I keep it all to myself, but when it gets to be too much I have to tell them. The ones that I trust most. That I love most.

Dreams:

Things have been foggy lately. Literally. It looks like there is a layer of mist so thick that I can only see a few feet in front of me. And yet I run blindly through it. Running towards the sound of wing beats. Finally, when I start to grow tired of running, I remember my wings. Those great green and silver wings. I jump into the air, swirling the mist with my powerful strokes. I get so caught up in the flight that I forget about the one that I was following. But I know that it is Taranis.