Sick and sore

I have been sleeping horribley lately. I think that I woke up 12 times last night. The last two nights have been the worst. I did dream both last night, and the night before, but the dreams were very fragmented. I don’t really remember much. I know that Eric was in there somewhere, but I only remember seeing him smiling and reaching for something. I remember seeing the silver dragon, but just a glimpse of him pushing off the ground. It didn’t even last long enough to see the first wing beat. There was also something with Jade and Sedonna, and a couple things with Keireh, but they were just glimpses. Almost like a slide show.

I am sick of all this confusion with Eric. Does he still want me because of who I am, or just because he is so attracted to me physically?

I am sickeningly sore from all the work.

Muddled

The constant whirling
Swooshing, curling
Through my fingers
It stops to linger
Watch it coil
Steady turmoil
Constant pleasure
Hidden pressure
Take this bet
You won’t regret
Life is nothing
Without something
Love and fear
One single tear
Raindrops fall
I stand tall
Through the storm
Unadorned
Steady, simple
Truly a stemple
Shallow depths
I am inept
Life keeps flowing
Never knowing
What comes next
Take one more step
Just keep falling
My heart is calling
You’ll never end
What cannot begin

Letting Go

Here it comes. The crash. Winding its way down my body as if I were a spiral staircase. Searching for hidden paths it hasn’t traveled yet. I can feel its yearning to immerse all of me in its electric torture. The sparks shoot from my finger tips as I reach out my hands in hopes of finding something to hold to to steady myself. My breath has gone ragged and labored. Everything seems to wear a tint of red as I frantically search for some way out. After a few prolonged seconds I realize that this time there wil not be a way out. Finally it has reached my toes and the seemingly never ending quest to saturate my every cell is complete. Everything in time itself seems to stop as if the universe is holding its breath. All I can do to keep myself standing is chant in my head, “In. Out.” over and over as a mantra to kep my lungs working. The yelling begins and I know that all that I had predicted is being fulfilled. Numbers race through my head, one after the other, then screech to a hault at 25. Why is this the cut off? I thought that it would continue on to 28, but then I remember that things aren’t the same for everyone. Suddenly, a wave of white hot emotion washes over me and my body is wracked with sobs. One more step in my direction, one more push, and I’m ready to bolt. I see the faces getting closer, pressing in around me, and I run for the door. Outside the world is calm, but I know that it will not last. I’m running barefoot towards the edge with no intention of stopping. I can hear the heavy footfalls pounding out the proximity of those whom they belong to, and I will my legs to move just a bit faster. I keep running untill there is no longer any ground to be offered to my bleeding feet. As I fall I feel their hands grab my arms, but gravity’s will abates theirs into little more than a testament of finger shaped welts where they tried with all their might to keep me on the ground. I feel the air rush by my closed eyes and as I open them I realize that it’s not the air that’s moving, it’s me. The Earth below rushes to meet me, but just before it seems that I will surely die, I spread my wings and let them catch the air, pulling me parrallel to the ground in what is now a horizontal flight. A few beats of my wings and I am soaring at amazing heights. I look back to the cliff and see them all, arms still outstretched towards me. I feel the hot tears pour from my eyes and and catch in the wind. My mouth is incapable of speech, but my mind screams these words as if they could actually hear my thoughts, “I told you I was ready to fly. I told you I was ready. I told you.”

Nothing

I have not dreamt lately.

I have been seeing Eric, but right now I am sick of him saying he will call, but blowing me off for video games, and always calling when he is drunk and acting stupid. I knew it would catch up to me sooner or later.

I just want to get a job, and get out.

I need some sleep…

My dearest Mei Mei

I trust you more than most. I divulge to you the deepest breaths of my soul, along with the shallowist whims of my skin. I love you. I need you to trust me too. To know that I am not unlovable. Untrustable. I don’t understand. If this is who you are, why can’t I know the real you? The one beneath the skin? I don’t understand…I would take you no matter what you are. I love you…I hate unrequited trust. Love. I…it hurts more than you could understand. The secret isn’t what is bothering me. It’s the fact that you are keeping it.

Oh, forced insomnia.

Eric seems to only enjoy talking to me between the hours of 1 and 5:30 am. And if I wasn’t so into this guy I would totally blow him off for it. He tells me at 10 that he would call in a little bit, and I get a text at 3 in the morning asking if I’m still up, or too tired to talk. I don’t know what I am doing…

After we got off the phone at 5:11am my mind just wouldn’t shut off. I finally drifted off around 7, and got up 3 hours later. Kylie saw me and that was it, there was no escape. She did the “Pick me up” thing, and after that if I tried to put her down it was tears. So I think that all together I got maybe 4 1/2 hours of sleep, and I did dream.

It was weird. Not lucid at all, but I do remember most of it. I was in what I assumed was Pat’s dojo in Chico. I have never been there because I take his class out at Butte. But I was definately in a dojo, and I believe Ishmael was there. I started a free sparr with some chick and was doing pretty good with the sais while she had a bo staff. But in the middle of the fight everything kinda faded away and I realized I was waking up because of a stupid text. I really need to start turning my phone to alarm only. I seriously need some sleep. I don’t know how my body functions because I have been getting about 3 or 4 hours a night.