Saphra’s Weblog

It seems that things always come to me in waves. I don’t get one then the other, which makes it that much harder to deal with it all. I don’t understand why someone that close would not take that into consideration. Despite the fact that I cant be mad, for some stupid reason, I will not continue things as they were. My pack is dead.

THE GREEN DRAGON

I worte it all in my moleskine, like I usually do when I cant write it any where else. And I don’t trust my mind to remember it all.

April 22, 2008.

Mom sent me the text about working…It pretty much ruined my day. Try as I might, I just couldn’t mask the depression, so great the volume of it. My pain openly marred my face with tear streaks and pain soaked eyes. I tried to immerse myself in The Sweet Far Thing so that I could ignore my hurt, but  nothing could shake the ache that gripped my heart. I didn’t want a ride from Curtis. I just wanted to walk in my thoughts, so I went the front way so as to not be seen when he pulled out. As I walked I let her guide my feet. I simply closed my eyes and let my feet fall where they would. I opened them when some pain needed release, and let the tendrils of pain slip out from under my eyelids like phantoms in the night. They were oold pains, not anything that would ease the degree of agony inside me. I was watching the van that was driving on the opposite side of the street. The driver watched me also. His sympathetic smile, and the look of eagerness to help that shone in his eyes made me angry. I saw the flash as he let me see that he was a green dragon, and I thought loudly, hoping to communicate over to him with the depth and extremity with which I was feeling these words, “I see you brother, and I despise your sympathy. Now is not the hour to show me that you think me weak.” He did not blame me, nor express any distaste towards my refusal. I saw him gently shrug, and I knew that he would be back at a more convienent time. Where he would offer more than just sympathy. I saw those green wings take flight, and thought no more of the jewel that had been offered. So many things are crashing in on me right now. I fear the need to call on every spirit that can lend support to help me heal.

Dream that night.

DARKNESS It blocked out everything!!  I was running, feeling my way around some sort of tunnel or hallway. The “walls”, for I do not know if that is truely what they were, felt rough and cold. I was terrified. AGONY It coursed through my body. I didn’t know if the extreme pain was the reason for my lack of sight, or if everything really was dark. FEAR pushed me forward causing my legs to move almost of their own accord. It was a short vision, and then I was released into dreamless sleep for the remainder of the night.