Everything fades to black

It was there. I saw it and I ran, my fingers outstretched to it…but then it was nothing. Just air clasped tight in my palm. I can’t take it. I walked with a smile on my face, and was nice and polite. I wondered if they could see the black inside. But they couldn’t. They saw what I showed them, and that was a fake smile. Which they took all too eagerly, not wanting to question the way that things appear.

I was hit today in Karate. Twice. Once on the outside of my right foot. Once on the outside of my right ankle. I didn’t jump high enough when he swung the bow staff at my knees. I was suprised at how it didn’t hurt until I was in the middle of my English class. The pain flared to life, and has not ceased yet.

My ankle is swollen, and two purple bruises show the truth of what is felt below the surface. What would I look like to others if they could see what I hold inside? This black…is slowly swallowing me bit by bit. But the jewel has not been forgotten, nor has it left me. I see him here and there…he’s watching. Waiting. The green glint that I see with my peripheral…I wish that it was comforting, but it isn’t. Its nothing. Just a whispered maybe.

No matter what I try

It seems that things always come to me in waves. I don’t get one then the other, which makes it that much harder to deal with it all. I don’t understand why someone that close would not take that into consideration. Despite the fact that I cant be mad, for some stupid reason, I will not continue things as they were. My pack is dead.

THE GREEN DRAGON

I worte it all in my moleskine, like I usually do when I cant write it any where else. And I don’t trust my mind to remember it all.

April 22, 2008.

Mom sent me the text about working…It pretty much ruined my day. Try as I might, I just couldn’t mask the depression, so great the volume of it. My pain openly marred my face with tear streaks and pain soaked eyes. I tried to immerse myself in The Sweet Far Thing so that I could ignore my hurt, but  nothing could shake the ache that gripped my heart. I didn’t want a ride from Curtis. I just wanted to walk in my thoughts, so I went the front way so as to not be seen when he pulled out. As I walked I let her guide my feet. I simply closed my eyes and let my feet fall where they would. I opened them when some pain needed release, and let the tendrils of pain slip out from under my eyelids like phantoms in the night. They were oold pains, not anything that would ease the degree of agony inside me. I was watching the van that was driving on the opposite side of the street. The driver watched me also. His sympathetic smile, and the look of eagerness to help that shone in his eyes made me angry. I saw the flash as he let me see that he was a green dragon, and I thought loudly, hoping to communicate over to him with the depth and extremity with which I was feeling these words, “I see you brother, and I despise your sympathy. Now is not the hour to show me that you think me weak.” He did not blame me, nor express any distaste towards my refusal. I saw him gently shrug, and I knew that he would be back at a more convienent time. Where he would offer more than just sympathy. I saw those green wings take flight, and thought no more of the jewel that had been offered. So many things are crashing in on me right now. I fear the need to call on every spirit that can lend support to help me heal.

Dream that night.

DARKNESS It blocked out everything!!  I was running, feeling my way around some sort of tunnel or hallway. The “walls”, for I do not know if that is truely what they were, felt rough and cold. I was terrified. AGONY It coursed through my body. I didn’t know if the extreme pain was the reason for my lack of sight, or if everything really was dark. FEAR pushed me forward causing my legs to move almost of their own accord. It was a short vision, and then I was released into dreamless sleep for the remainder of the night.

I don’t do anything?

And how the heck would you know the first thing about what I do? Well I will tell you! I am in college full time, and I’m taking my senior year on homestudies. You didn’t even graduate. Don’t tell me that I am fully capable so I should be able to manage it. I can manage it just fine, but it takes a lot of hard work and time. I clean your house everday, feed your animals, make your dinner. You complain that I am too skinny. I freakin work out for 2 hours a day, then I go to practice and work my butt off for 2 more hours. I am in SHAPE. I baby sit your son in law because he is a spoiled, ADD idiot, who called my karate class a “bare knucle brawl” class, [Wtf?] and cant be trusted alone with his own son because he is abusive. I’m not pregnant, or even sexually active, which is a huge accomplishment for this family. I have never done drugs. I don’t smoke or drink. I am doing things how you said I should, and yet, you walk in the house and yell at me for not putting a bag in the bathroom garbage can, and tell me that I don’t do anything. Thats a bunch of crap. I am so sick of this. I cant tell you about my totems. I never will. Because you wouldn’t accept me. Even though you accepted Curis after what he did. You just don’t have tolerance for me, or the things that I love. You never supported drumline, except when Mandi [your precious baby girl, AKA empress of the universe] was in it. You won’t let me get my license. You threaten to sell my horse because I don’t ride him that much right now because life if hectic and he has a bum knee. Well when is the last time you rode Sam, you precious little lap dog? But you’re not thinking about selling him, now are you? Grr…Rant ends now….

Horse and Dragon

I dreamed once more of the dragon, but he was not the main focus of the dream. It started in a hall that seemed to continue on endlessly. I was running, not as Cougar, but as normal human me. My hair was the normal dream length, cut, and style; down to my hips, auburn, and curled at the ends. I was wearing a silver gown, and yes, Horse was there in all her silver beauty.

I was running down the hall, trying to reach the end. There were no openings of any sort at first, then gradually small slits appeared in the white stone walls. I could see blurrs of green and brown as I ran. The slits started to get bigger the farther down I got. Horse was running next to the hall, on the outside. Her silver skin glistened in the moon light (it was a full moon), and she hazed back and forth several times from human to horse shape, then finally took her usual in between. (its like she is both at the same time. I can see her as a horse, and as a person. Its gorgeous.) The openings broadened, and the hall took on the look of the Temple Circe, on the island Circeo. I have only seen it in pictures, or in clips from films, but that is what it reminded me of. At the exact same time, both horse and I stopped running. The skirts of our gowns flew out in front of us with the momentum of our run, then settled around our ankles. I turned to her and she just smiled. Her silvery hair cascaded down her shoulders, back, and waist like diamond dust, and rested at about mid calf. She winked at me, then asked me to follow her. I did. We walked away from the hall, and into the middle of a meadow. The moonlight kissed my bare shoulders, and the gentle wind that usually accompanies Horse licked at my hair and playfully tossed it around. I heard the familiar sound of hooves, and she told me to stay. I understood that I would not be allowed to run with the herd tonight. They came. I saw the black one, the paint, the bay, the buckskin filly, the arabian…they ran freely and passionately. I thanked Horse for coming to me, and told her that I had missed her. She nodded, then took my face gently in her hands and kissed me lightly on the lips. Then she was gone with the rest of the herd. I watched them run until I could no longer hear or see them. I could see the line of trees that marked the entry to the forest that I have prowled on so many nights. That sacred forest where I first met Keireh. Even though I longed to run through it once more, I heeded the words of Horse, and stayed in the meadow. I sat and just absorbed the moonlight that was dancing in pale shards across my skin. 

The world had grown quiet, but then I heard the beating of wings which announced the arrival of the dilver dragon. He landed softly in front of me and the last remnants of the wind made by his powerful strokes tugged at my hair and dress. Last night when I dreamed of him there were no words spoken. This time I felt compeled to say something.

I bowed, or rather, I curtsied to him, and he also dipped his head toward me. His eyes shone pale green in the soft moon light. I felt as if I wasn’t worthy to be in his presence, but also so honored that he had come to me once again.

“I am Keireh. I guard these woods while sweet slumber gives me leave from my honorable duty of guarding my day walker.” I didn’t even think of what to say, it just came out…

“I know who you are. I have seen you come here many times. I have seen those that came before you, and I will see those that will come when you are gone.”

“I do not fear you. You will not hurt me. I can feel that, but why are you here, wise one?” He smiled, and slowly lowered himself to the ground so that he was laying on his belly. His eyes darkened to a forest green, but I could still see swirls of pale throughout.

“What is it that you guard, Keireh? Surely the trees in all their grandeur wont move from this sacred grove. And the animals that roam here are knowing. They will not leave the beauty of these woods.”

I did not know how to address this, but I spoke without hesitation. “I guard the magic that keeps alive the heart of this forest. I mediate the power, and ensure that all is just and right. Is this wrong, wise one?” I honestly didn’t know if what I was doing was wrong to him, so I naturally felt inclined to ask.

“It is how it should be. You do as you well.”

“Tell me, wise one, why have you come to me, if not to fix some inbalance?”

“I have watched you grow. I do not need impose.” His eyes stared past me at something, or into some time that I could not see.

“May I know your name?” I knew that this might have been a little too straight foreward, and that I might regret it later, but isn’t that why they say that curiosity killed the cat?

“You have a strong connection with the ancient Celts. To them I was known as Taranis. You may call me this also.”

I could feel my mind start to pull awake, even though I longed to just stay there in the meadow.

“Thank you, Taranis. I fear I must leave now,” I said, feeling the worlds pull strengthen.

“Come here, my child.”

I did exactly as I was told. I brought myself to stand directly in front of him. He gently touched his muzzle to my forehead and I felt a tingling run through the coarse of my body. Instantly the sky was covered with a blanket of dark clouds, and lightning struck the ground dangerously close. The winds blew fiercely, and the trees moaned against the force of nature, but I feared nothing in his presence. Then suddenly I was awake.

Silver wings filled my dreams

Last night I dreamed of a great silver dragon. The sky was blood red, and the sun a haughty bronze orb hanging high in the sky. I was laying flat on my side, eyes closed, feeling the sun beat down on my fur. I felt a shadow run over the length of my body. Assuming that it was just the black one, and not in the mood for his antics, I pretended to be asleep. The shadow flew over me twice more, each time slower than the last, blocking the sun out for a more extended period of time. I lazily stretched and rolled my tongue around in my mouth to wet the areas that had dried from the heat, but I did not open my eyes. Once more, the sun was blocked from my body, but this time the shade did not continue on like it had before. The hairs on the ridge of my spine stood on end, but still I made no attempt to open my eyes.

Suddenly, a wondrously strong wind beat down in torrents, giving me temporary relief from both the blinding light of the sun, and it’s deadly heat. At once I was upon my paws, my ears pinned straight back to my skull, and my claws puncturing the dried, cracked dirt beneath me. I opened my eyes just in time to see a great silver dragon landing in front of me. A swift gust of air from the last of his back winging stirred up the dust all around me. The ground moaned beneath the load of his immense weight. His eyes, which were the same deep as the sky, looked over me for what seemed to my mind to be but a few seconds, but felt to my body as if it had lasted for eons. His face was set in harsh lines, his brow creased over his eyes as if in anger, or even annoyance, but after his scrutiny of me, it softened into a look of something resembling sympathy. His eyes started to change colors. It started in a deep blue, almost black, and closed in from the outside while simultaneously from the inside as well, meeting in a ring in the middle. The blue softened to a lighter shade, and continued to lighten until it reached a crystal blue.

The great beast bent his long neck down to the parched earth and touched his snout to it. He blew out a great breath and worked his muzzle back and forth until he had made a smooth spot, clear of any loose dust. He closed his eyes and a soft hum vibrated from his throat. The ground grew moist, a rivulet of water formed, then a huge, roaring river surged up all around where we stood, leaving a small islet of ground under my paws. Trees grew, and lush grasses sprung up from the newly moistened ground and bid me drink from the water. I did until I had had my fill. When I was finished I looked back up to the magnificent beast who had waited patiently all the while. He beckoned to the skies, and with a powerful jump he took to flight.

He flew parallel to the ground and I ran as fast and as hard as I could, trying desperately to keep sight of him. His silver hide glinted in the harsh light and reflected some of the red of the sky. I ran for as long as my paws could hold out for. Finally I could stand it no longer and collapsed from exhaustion. I laid there in the grass, panting both from the heat and from my over exertion. The world around me aged. It seemed that I had laid there, just watching the trees grow and then wither. Animals came and went. I saw them adapt, evolve, and eventually change into new things. Then also the land changed. Houses were built first of mud, then wood, and finally cities grew and grew, changed and evolved, then everything crumpled into dust, leaving me laying in my own little space that had been unperverted  by the changes of the world. It took me this long to regain my breath and my strength. I climbed up to paws, and in front of me stood the giant silver dragon. I bowed low, kneeling on my front two limbs. I felt overwhelmed being in his presence. He lowered his head down to a level almost even to mine. I looked up and he touched his muzzle to my nose. Instantly I woke and began my day. Thus was my first encounter with a dragon.

I don’t know what to think of this. It was disorienting. Was this just Keireh dreaming of Tek? Heh, maybe she’s color blind (she swears she’s not though). She wont tell me what she thinks it means.

She thought of Tek all day. She really felt comfortable with him. This is all so new.

It is hard to contain the wrath of a provoked Cougar. She let me go to him today, but I was under strict rules to not allow any physical contact to take place. He looked as if he were going to kill me, but I think the coyote knows better than to take on Cougar.

Soul Companions

I was given a small glimpse of the circle of companion souls to my own. I understand that only the ones that were there before this time, this world, before we all forgot, before we were ignorant, only those are the certain companions. Those are the ones that were there with me on the journey here, into this body, into this world. Some came before me, some after me, and some have yet to come…some I still know, some I have yet to meet, and some I will never come in contact with again. I also saw those that may become companions on this journey, that weren’t with me before. Others who have lost some of their companions. It happens when those other souls aren’t found…they search for other souls that they can get along with, that they can relate to, that remind them of those that they lost, and out of a need to fill those empty places in their circle, they attach to others that they found here. I saw the possible companions that are to be with me in the life after this one. Just forms in mist. Pictures so uncertain that they couldn’t even fully form. I was delighted to see that a few were there in every circle, but also curious to meet those that were only in one, or maybe two of the 3 circles. It is calming to know that even though things may work one way, they can also work another way. It is ultimately left up to me. If my soul finds those other companions, then they will solidify out of the mist, but if not, they will not be harmed, and neither will I. I wonder, how many other people see me? How many saw a misty me and wondered what kind of companion I would be, or if I will solidify in their circles?